I created GLOCKIDS, as a gay parent of children conceived through a heterosexual relationship. I found it hard to put myself in the category as a gay parent within the gay community. I saw myself a parent first then a gay person. But over the years that change to being a gay person as a parent. I was just blessed to be able to have children naturally (if you want to call it that).
My children were young when I came out and left the family environment to start my journey as a gay person. I was struggling at the time to find my identity. I had to go through the processes of finding the person I am, while still playing the parent role. I felt I was still living 2 lives, but in 2 different locations. My children also struggled as well, as they were asking so many questions, like why did you leave? How come you left? was it because of us?. I tried to answer their questions, without giving the away fact I was gay, thinking that they would not understand. I didn't really know the answer to the questions, because i did not know the answers to my own questions that were going around in my head. My children were young at the time the eldest being only 6 years old, but old enough to know that daddy does not live at home anymore and it was not fair. My middle one was 4 years old and it had not really hit him yet, but he was confused. My youngest was 6 months old, so I guess he had no idea at all. I was having my children on the weekends, when they came to stay with me in a single bedroom apartment.
I had to get out there in the gay community and see what it was really like, the scene, the people, the diversity, I was looking for my jigsaw piece in the big picture. But it was difficult, as it felt like I had a time limit, I had to find it quick, so I could find the answers for my children and myself. Again I was drifting between the persona of the single gay guy to the dad on the weekends. It was hard to explain to a date that "I have children", some guys would run so fast that they burnt the rubber off their shoes and some guys were so smitten that you had children that they would want to meet them on the weekend and play uncle, if felt like they were treating the children, like pets. cute and cuddly.
It got to the point where I did not bother with the scene, as I started to accept the fact that I was suppose to be the single dad who happens to be gay. I withdraw from the gay community and focused on providing for my children. When I look back at this now, I see that it was not exactly the right thing to do as, I was still struggling with my identity. I would close the world down. The questions were eating at me, I needed to find them and I needed to talk to my children as the feeling of my relationship with my children was fading, I was becoming a shadow of my former self, no inner confidence, no self respect. i felt like a robot, just seeing the children for their sake and the sake of their mother... I did not see it as for my own sake, but I was told that it was for my sake, I was like how, I can't see it. I did not even know who I was. Wasn't that the reason why I left, to find who I was??
But over time, things changed, I started my spiritual journey to find answers and to ask questions. I remember the day I first found the courage to talk to my children about my sexuality. it was Father's day of 2007. I had taken my children to the park, and I was sitting on the bench watching my children play on the swings in their own little world, it was like nothing ever mattered to them. It was quite an amazing feeling to realise that they were content. So I called for my eldest to come over sit with me on the bench. I asked him if he loved me, he said "of course, why wouldn't I?" I asked if he know what the word gay meant, he said "yes, boys kiss boys". I asked him if he had a problem with daddy kissing big boys, he said "no, as long as you are happy, I am happy". that is when it dawned on me, that my children would not have an issue with my sexuality.
That was the day, I found my true identity as a gay parent.
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